one two three fourrrrnication!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
