Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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