True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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