I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
