Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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