Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
