he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
