he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
