i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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