Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
