How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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