Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
