I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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