Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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