For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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