I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
