I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
