Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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