Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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