btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Moan for me like Helen Keller
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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