I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
