I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
