recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
