I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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