Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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