there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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