dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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