I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
