Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
