He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
