It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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