i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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