Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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