i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
