I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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