I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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