My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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