I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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