I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
