I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
birth control should be required to get into college
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
