it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
