I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
