and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
