i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
