Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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