First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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