I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think I won the penis lottery.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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