my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
