Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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