We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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