Define "chronic" masturbator.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
