Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I need to sanitize my soul.