A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.