meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
